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travel far now

a sporadic archive of rants & revelations from life on the road

substack essays

On crippling blackouts and learning to live without electric light

8/13/2026

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A DAY WITHOUT POWER: If you’ve lived even a few hours without electricity, you know that it doesn’t take long for the dystopian doom to dominate, for the agitation and rage to seep in to spoil everyone’s mood—and food.

My sweetheart lives in one of the towns affected by the powerful storms that tore through Northwest Indiana a few days ago, ripping ancient trees out of the ground by the roots and knocking out power everywhere.

Long lines started forming at gas stations at all hours of the day and night—traffic snaked and snagged without traffic lights—and the devastation everywhere has been hard to comprehend.
The town is unrecognizable without its ancient trees.

And yet, no one seems too aware of what’s going on unless you’re there or know someone who’s dealing with this uncertainty.

Basic tasks like keeping your phone charged or filling up the tank (or one’s belly) have become the mission of the moment.

When my sweetheart told me about the loud generators roaring all over town, guzzling up so much gas to keep the lights flickering inside, it sent me all the way back to that time in 2009, when I landed in Zanzibar during one of the island’s most notorious blackouts in its history.

No power on the island for three months.

THREE MONTHS.

It was insane and so very difficult.

I’d been planning my trip back there for months before I landed. How did I not realize this was happening? In all our calls, Skypes and texts, the guy I was going back for never said a word about it.

This blackout would go down as one of the most catastrophic injustices in recent memory—when an old underground cable connecting Zanzibar to the national grid had finally broken, after many years of neglect, and a quick fix was not in the cards.

Try to imagine for a moment what it feels like to live in the sweltering tropical heat without electricity for months.

No fans, air conditioning, or refrigeration of any kind.

Cholera infections soared. The incessant roar of generators. Gasoline fumes choking the streets. The stench of rotting garbage piled high in enormous dumpsters. Water shortages. Skyrocketing food prices. Rashes. Rodents.

Misery.

To this day, Zanzibaris remember this time with a mix of pride and disbelief—pride that they survived it—and disbelief that they’d ever had to tolerate it in the first place.

I arrived during one of the busiest weekends of the year, when a huge, annual music festival was taking place, and most guesthouses and hotels in town were completely booked.

Despite the blackout, thousands of tourists had flocked to the island that weekend to hear live music over four nights at the Old Fort—dancing and drinking under a sky packed with stars.

But without power, the mood in town was grim as Stone Town desperately tried to keep unhappy travelers cool and fed.

I’d flown all the way from Chicago to see this man in a place so precarious and unstable, I was sick with doubt.

A sense of dread settled within the pit of me that I might have made the worst decision of my life but I never would have found the words to utter those doubts.

I had just made an enormous leap and was determined to land on both feet.

The power eventually returned to the islands.

I wrote home making it seem like all of this was easy and right.

But to this day blackouts on the islands are a common occurrence—”dark spells” are a part of everyday life.

As more tourists flock the islands, the demand for electricity pushes those undersea cables to the brink, triggering “load shedding” as they shuffle power around. If they don’t shut off power to certain areas, intense heat and pressure could cause grid collapse.

A blackout—even a few hours without electricity—can teach you that you can get used to almost anything—and it’s a lesson I carried with me as I continued to live there for the next decade.

There’s a sense of camaraderie that forms around crisis—a potential for connection and communal care—in the best of times.

You learn to live with candlelight. You remember who you were before the addiction formed with your phone. There’s suddenly time for a book and an open window at night to let the breeze cool you down.

But when I asked my sweetheart how he and his townmates were faring on Day Three of the power outage where he lives in Northwest Indiana, he reported that folks were definitely on edge and lashing out at the gas pump—cutting in line, and such.

When our basic needs are suddenly not so basic but actually extraordinarily hard to acquire, what’s left is a huge question about how each of us copes.

There seems to be a clear correlation between comfort and courtesy.

Many folks in this area were already reeling too close to the edge to show any grace to their neighbors.

My sweetheart said he’s doing fine for now—letting anyone who wants get in front or cut across, who cares.
​

He’s taken up smoking again, which soothes his stress, and he figures they’re all lining up in the same place anyway, and there’s really nowhere else to go.
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On amber beads, key lime pie, orchids: an (incomplete) field guide

8/11/2026

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“Did I mock the dreamer in my mother and then insult her for having no dreams?”

​— Deborah Levy, 
The Cost of Living
A field guide to my mother’s death (incomplete):

BLUE NOTEBOOK: The one I brought back from Zanzibar, a miniature manuscript book, with the inscription, “This is the mama notebook, all notes on visit to Mom in Florida, March 2018.” The body rots. The body clots. The body dots the universe with pain! Words like nephrology and debridement appear with definitions, doctors, dimensions. Mama, the wounded one. I’m ashamed to say I debated for days whether or not I would come home to say goodbye.

How many times had she told me through video calls, “It’s time to come home now, it’s time to come home.” Too many. But I thought I had things to finish up on the islands before I booked my flight. I wasn’t ready to face what was waiting for me with my mother’s wild wounds.


KEY LIME PIE: The kind from Yoder’s, that Amish shop down the street from the hospital in Sarasota, in Pinecraft, the enclave where the Amish summer in the winters, excusing their beliefs for the duration of a bus ride south to the sunshine.

Picked up a pie assignment for the duration so that I could eat as much key lime as my heart desired. Yes, the French silk and berry slices, also divine. I suppose I know how to turn a bitter situation sweet by writing about a pie shop as my mother is dying. I spend way too much time in the corner booth, deciphering layered notes.

Some sentences are about pie; other sentences are about my mother’s condition, lists of her bio-stats and death requests.

AMBER BEADS: The ones my sister lost when they broke from the chain they were on around her neck and scattered across the grass in Pinecraft Park. We hunched our bodies to the ground to get a closer look, almost missed the blue herons sailing by on the tiny river that ran through the small park.

How mystical, how majestic, how out of time and space, to collect amber beads in these final days—our mother waiting for us in amber waves of dying.

GOLD BRACELETS: The ones she thought I stole from her when I carried them back to the condo for safekeeping when she checked into the Magnolia. That god-awful place where people in practical TJ Maxx suits sit behind desks and smile big until you sign the paperwork and then cackle as they lock the doors with your mother inside their institution.

I’m still wearing a bracelet on each wrist—a symbol of my resistance to that woman’s insistence on keeping my mother contained in a place that could not deal with her wounds. We essentially had to kidnap her in the middle of the night and leave out the side door in a wheelchair. I’m glad I thought ahead and kept the bracelets in a shoebox back at the home front. What a nightmare!

ORCHID: The one we bought for her at the fancy upscale grocer + floral shop walking distance from the hospital. With a tinge of purple, we knew she’d appreciate it.

​“Fill the room with beauty.”

This was a directive from my old high school sweetheart, who kept in touch with me during this time, even though we weren’t together yet, that it would take two more years of talking to realize that we kind of had a thing for each other.
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On leaping and learning to stay in one place

8/5/2026

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THE AWARD GOES TO me for eating a roasted sweet potato with cottage cheese for breakfast! Such a practical meal, so healthy, so tasty, so real.

I’ve already told you my current feelings on time—how we trek the horizontal, dream of the vertical—but I haven’t mentioned any of my possessions, what might get catalogued in the identity slog. I own many things but they’re all for sale. I still need to feel like I could pick up and leave at any moment.

A lingering instinct.

Can’t remember the last time I danced at a party. I used to host big parties to ring in the new year, and for a while, I even handed out the lyrics to “Jolene” by Dolly Parton, and led group singalongs in the various living rooms of my thirties. Those were fun nights full of hope with just a dash of fear to keep me on my toes.

Later, I would become a flawed caretaker—character—chair actor—caregiver to my sweet daddy, after running for years away from home, I landed in the heart of it all.

Some people spend their whole lives learning to leave. I spent most of mine learning to stay.

“The afterlife of madness” means letting go of the “definite idea” of the warped reality that shaped your dreams and visions in the first place.

An old friend of mine lost her old friend when she fell down the stairs. I don’t know my old friend anymore but I know the tumble of this tumultuous friendship left imprints.

Sometimes I feel like I can write about people I’ve known and loved and sometimes I feel like doing so shakes the jar too hard and breaks it.

Fears, we all have them. I haven’t befriended mine but every Sunday I dread walking over the bridge to Monday. I’m never quite ready to leave the week and face a new one, even though I know time is an illusion.

Kitchen alchemy applies to mental health, too. Pepper. Cardamom. Cumin. Three spices that radically shift the taste of a dish—imbued with hope—expanding its scope.

“Becoming sane also causes a kind of narrative collapse, a confrontation with a personal history that is no longer recognizable,” writes Rachel Aviv in her latest, You Won’t Get Free of It.

Curiosity is an emotional risk.

Like I said, I had to learn how to stay when everyone else around me figured out that plotting one’s escape offered great relief.

I was gone ten years and no one ever mentioned how impossible it would feel to return. The self one forges on the road will eventually forget her way around the homestead.

“Everyone is the other and no one is himself,” wrote Heidegger. A quote I stumbled upon while reading a bit of Deborah Levy’s writings.

I forgot Heidegger had a wife. I was too obsessed with his affair with Hannah Arendt, and how her Jewish identity became quite the problem for these two lovebirds, how her intellect and ideas seemed to shrink in the world's eyes as hatred grew toward her people—and a systematic campaign ensued to kill them all.

“The appeal of writing as I understand it,” writes Levy, “was an invitation to climb in-between the apparent reality of things, to see not only the tree but the insects that live in its infrastructure; to discover that everything is connected in the ecology of language and living.”

My dear friend Jamie said as much on the porch the other night, looking at the triangle-shaped tree in front of us as we ate our blueberry crumble with whipped cream and iced cream. She’s a friend who’s studied trees and knows how many worlds coexist in their branches.

We sat on the floor later that night and read aloud letters she’d written to me from various locations in her twenties—the islands of Indonesia, the islands of Hawaii, the islands of the suburbs of Chicago. All along, we’ve been cheering each other on with words of encouragement.

​“Be strong,” she wrote to me more than once, “I’m here with you!”


She Who Sleeps in Late, you can introduce me as such these days. She Who Swims in Old Letters, my middle name. Lady of the Haunted Childhood Home, will do. Madame Writer of Micro-Essays With Unknown Readers, perhaps.

​She Who Carries Black-Glazed Gazelle Statues Home from the Thrift Store.


Anoint me, and I may annoy you. Recognize me, and I will reconfigure you. Name me, and I will remember your name, too.
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On learning to clean toilets and the problem with good housekeeping

8/4/2026

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UNAVOTAKA / TUNATAKA. "What you want, we want." Graffiti spotted in Stone Town, Zanzibar, mid 2000s.

​GOOD HOUSEKEEPING eludes me. When I sit down one day to write about my feelings about cleaning, I will have to include some details that make me squirm with shame.

My mother made us clean the bathrooms when we were kids. I would thank her for this difficult parenting lesson—everyone should learn to keep a bathroom clean, especially one’s own—but wow, the terror that ensued when we got it wrong or missed a spot.

The lesson backfired—I have hated cleaning bathrooms ever since, and wince when the time comes, every time, to scrub, wipe, plunge and dust.

When I moved to Zanzibar in my early thirties, the dean of the university where I’d gotten a job as a resident director sat me down one day in his airy office with the windows open, leaned back in his chair, and admonished me for not hiring a dada.

That’s the word for domestic workers in Zanzibar--dada—meaning, “sister.” A woman who comes to your home and cleans your clothes, does your dishes, sweeps the floors, takes out the garbage, and yes, cleans your toilets.

I stammered my reply. I know how to clean my own house, I said. In America, I didn’t grow up with a dada, I explained, we had to do it ourselves.

Well, you’re here, now, and it’s customary for anyone with means to hire help—it’d be rude not to, actually, culturally speaking.

Those were not his exact words but that’s what he meant. I was making more money in a year at this job as a foreigner than some people might see in a lifetime, is how he explained it.

So I hired a woman named Asha, a distant relative of the man I was dating at the time, and she came to the house three times a week, and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t scrubbing my own toilets, but I never quite got used to this arrangement.

If I was home, I’d help her with all the chores and in that way, we really did operate like sisters for a while, however much we each had to forge a new myth to make this possible.

We’d stop for a coffee and biscuits midway through the day. I told her secrets like I’d tell a sister, and she would tell me some of hers, too. Like how the guy she was dating had gotten involved in some sort of crime ring in the main city, making a lot of good money as a getaway driver.

Anyway, this relationship became central to my life in Zanzibar. I grew to depend on Asha and she also relied on me, not just for her salary, but also for leads on other gigs with other foreigners. She knew one day I’d leave.

And then one day she helped me pack up the house and ship all my belongings back to Chicago. She even came with me to the airport, lugging boxes and suitcases covered in burlap, tied with coarse rope.

We both cried when we said goodbye.

Oh shit, I’m writing more than I thought I might when this essay began to take shape this morning.
I could go on but not yet—there are other strands in the good housekeeping braid.

Like the stories of young women in Zanzibar who were shipped overseas to Oman as domestic workers, and disappeared. Or came back with horror stories about the way they were treated and abused.

The ones who came back had a whisper network. Asha caught wind of some of these stories and told me about them. I held onto these tales even as I considered myself a reporter. What good would it do to expose these stories? No one seemed prepared to change anything about these arrangements.

Part of my job at the university included securing housing for American students who wanted a placement in a local home for full language immersion.

I’d visited hundreds of homes on the islands in this role, motorcycling to the outskirts to inspect empty rooms as potential homestays.

During these visits, a dada inevitably brought out a tray with glasses of fresh mango juice—some even had ice chips—and these young women always stayed silent unless I greeted them first, and then maybe I’d get a whisper of a hello.

In the essay I may write about good housekeeping one day, I will include the story about the time I discovered that a host family had been harboring two indentured servants from the mainland—had paid the poor parents for the girls’ labor—promising to pay for their schooling in exchange—and then made them sleep in a dark closet together—stripped of all identification—no days off.

The only way I even learned about this was through the student who’d been placed there. She came to me one day in my office and told me she was uncomfortable with this dynamic at the house with the girls—she’d been told she wasn’t allowed to even speak with them—and wanted to move.

I spent the rest of that week investigating, both the situation as she described it and finding her a new host family.


So yes, much to say about good housekeeping and bad housekeeping and the power lines between them. What can I say in a note that will actually be read and considered? I must take the time to sit down and structure this in a way that will get you to care about housekeeping that matters to you.

Maybe you were never pressured to hire a house cleaner in another country and maybe you’re completely comfortable with the cleaning services you’ve arranged in your own home and maybe you’re not sure you believe me when I tell you there was an active economy akin to slave labor on the islands where I lived, and that’s fine.

What’s still true is that each of us probably prefers a clean toilet and could probably learn a thing or two about performing that task well for ourselves without ever having to rely on the willingness and circumstances of another human to do this for us.

And if there is such an arrangement, it’s still helpful to have first-hand experience of what’s at stake in this task, a heightened awareness of good housekeeping and the price we all pay for it, one way or the other.

Unavotaka, tunataka. “What you want, we want.”
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On awaiting further instructions (from the self)

8/3/2026

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AWAITING FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS from God is a decent approach, but not if you must subsist on apples alone in the meantime.

We find these psychological evaluations of ourselves before our minds fully formed and realize that there’s been a story brewing about us from before we were born—and all we have are the shoddy records to piece the story together.

The evaluation the doctor handed my mother described me as highly verbal and precocious—a convex versus a concave thinker—someone who showed early signs of comfort with chaos. I liked to take the long way home—I stopped to smell the roses.

What was I avoiding or seeking—in these early days of consciousness?

What happens when we wake up to the startling reality that our mothers may need us more than we need them, that we may not be able to rely on their judgement, that we may sway toward a self more reliant on her own version of the truth, just in case.

A paradox: Signs of sanity depend on the ability to recognize one’s moments of insanity, as discussed in Rachel Aviv’s latest book on mothers and daughters.

I recall the moment—I must have been in fourth grade—when I realized that I could outsmart my mother. The idea appeared to me in a verbal spar with her over something or other. I learned about the power of my words as arrows I could aim straight at her heart.

Sanity depends on one’s ability to interfere with the world-making we do to survive, to scatter the equations that led us to believe in one truth and not the other.

Aviv introduces the concept of “double-booking,” when you have the ability to discern the difference between fantasy and reality yet go on choosing to live in both worlds.

How many times have we lived with one foot in each world, awaiting God to show us where to step next—further into the fantasy, or into a boat that could facilitate our late-night escape?

“Words have to open the mind. When words close the mind we can be sure that someone has to be reduced to nothingness,” writes Deborah Levy.

Is she talking to Emily Dickinson? Most of us are if we’re still writing.

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - too?

I learned to costume the self at home with tiger-print leggings and a Biggie Smalls concert T-shirt, a pair of green leather sandals I took from my mother’s closet the day after she died and we were throwing the rest of her shoes in black garbage bags to donate.

I like to wear this outfit with my Calumet Fisheries cap, and a pair of sunglasses, and walk around the house with a “this is so New York” kind of feel, like I can take names and numbers, like I can swing my legs over a turn-style and break into a train and spit beats.

Tell me no, and I will show you how.

I learned as a remote worker that we all need to wear shoes when we’re typing out emails—especially if they’re meant to get you a raise.

A shower helps, too.
A comb in one’s hair.
Rosemary oil.

I tried all kinds of relationship with color—I will never paint my walls rusted orange again, or purple for that matter—no, I’m for a clean white wall with art on it, bless those maximalists out there who will spend an afternoon tearing down a dream.

Levy writes, an idea often gets hatched from grief.
​

If that’s true, and we all know it is, it’s our work as writers to lead that idea on its leash or set it free—the desert is a dangerous place and it’s also a church.
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On my brief fling with moringa and an enduring belief in miracles

7/31/2026

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MY FLING WITH MORINGA began with a man named Mustapha, who planted hundreds of these trees on his farm and waxed poetic about their healing powers as a superfood that grew abundantly—and quite quickly—on the islands.

When we were dating, we often rambled over to the farms in his pick-up truck, which he drove in bare feet with the windows down and the radio blasting slow reggae. I felt like a queen by his side and let the setting sun soothe me as the car flung me into the side door while we dodged big dips in the scraggly dirt road.

I was falling in love with Mustapha, and he was falling in love with moringa, so I loved moringa, too. The workers he’d hired to harvest the leaves would hand us enormous bundles, and we’d take them back to the lodge, where the cooks agreed to pulverize them into a fine powder—in the hours between lunch and dinner, when the kitchen counters were cleared of dirty dishes and transformed into a superfood lab.

The cooks experimented with all kinds of moringa recipes. I’d take sips of cold moringa-infused fruit smoothies and swear by the electric boost they gave me, slurping up the last drops of passionfruit and pineapple to wash it all down. Mustapha believed in the miracle of moringa as a healing plant, and I threw myself into its story, writing pitches to magazines and promoting it to organic groceries back home.

The tree is truly miraculous—it’s one of the fastest-growing trees on the planet and produces nutrient-rich, vitamin-dense leaves with an earthy, nutty flavor. Some say the leaves contain seven times the vitamin C found in oranges and twenty-five times more iron than spinach.

Mustapha and I got hooked on these fruit smoothies—we loved that morning moringa buzz, like caffeine without the jitters or heart palpitations. The lodge eventually put moringa smoothies on the menu, and guests seemed to love them.

When I flew back to Chicago in 2017, I thought I’d return right away. But my mom was slowly dying, and my family needed me, and I needed to stay still and stay put for a second. Still, while I was back home, I remained obsessed with the miracle of moringa and insisted that Mustapha and his friend Omi send me moringa powder to peddle in the US.

Mind you, this was before moringa went mainstream—it was still pretty fringe, and I felt compelled to preach the moringa gospel.


While renting a condo in Logan Square, I received an enormous package in the mail—nearly five pounds of pounded moringa in plastic bags that had torn open, spilling green powder everywhere.

Somehow, it felt like a miracle that moringa had arrived at all.
I ran to the American Science & Surplus store and picked up cheap glass bottles with lids. I spent several afternoons and evenings scooping the powder into small jars and trying to sell it to friends and family, complete with a handy one-pager I'd composed highlighting all its healing benefits.

What a time to be alive—dealing in the miracle of moringa while my mother was dying and I was trekking between two very different worlds.

"How cool would it be to offer fresh, organic moringa at a reasonable cost, straight from the island of Zanzibar, in small batches approved and inspected by all the necessary authorities?"

I sent emails with questions like this to local grocers and cafés.

I genuinely believed there might be a future importing small batches of organic moringa directly from Zanzibar. I pictured cafés, health-food stores, even farmers markets. It held the promise of keeping one foot in the life I thought I'd return to.

When I read those emails now, I barely recognize myself, but I still love her. I sense myself trying desperately to hold onto the miracle of moringa and the miracle of finding meaning in the man I was loving at a time when my mom was disappearing and I had no idea how I would ever find my way back home again.

I even spent an afternoon touting moringa’s benefits at a local co-op kind enough to entertain its value. I still feel thankful to the young woman with long dreadlocks and a pungent patchouli smell for taking me seriously and eagerly responding to my emails labeled, "Moringa Magic!"

Nothing ever came of it, but the encounter reassured me that wherever there’s an idea and energy behind it, there are people willing to encourage it.

Moringa’s everywhere now. Smoothies. Pasta. Lotions. Potions. You can buy it online and at your local organic grocery—or wherever you buy your healing supplies. It’s gratifying to see its benefits become more visible to the wider world, even though local people have always known about this magical tree.

Mustapha and I were never cut out to become moringa dealers, after all. He’d hired twelve families to work on his farms on the southeast coast, and the arrangements he made with them—mostly young families from the mainland—never made sense to me. Was this sustainable?

I always felt uneasy when we visited. I’d ask too many questions: Where exactly did everyone sleep? Where did the kids go to school while their parents worked in the fields?

But it wasn’t just the farms or my feelings about them. I was stuck between worlds and needed to find my way home, to plant roots of my own. I was never going to figure out how to import magical moringa powder or invent new reasons to fly back and forth across the world for it—or for Mustapha.
​

I miss moringa, but I’m not jonesing for it the way I used to—or believed I was—at the height of my obsession. It did help my headaches, though, and I’m thinking about ordering a packet online just to see if it might boomerang me back to that old moringa buzz—and my belief in miracles.
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On containing multitudes, letting go and talking about what moves you

7/29/2026

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ASK ME ABOUT letting go–going through your dead mother’s epic antique and vintage collection is a crash course in decision-making that forces you to slice through the illusion of sentimentality. There’s just too much stuff to hold onto that silver fork for too long before you decide that it was never important to any of you and decide to chuck it in the “donate” box. You can also ask me about vintage collections and obsessions, how I started with silver spoons and landed with a current obsession with playing cards, how those decks are a kind of tarot, we all know that.

Ask me about the Swahili coast—leaving home at the age of 33 and returning only because the world got sick and booted you back to your beginnings is a story you’re still trying to tell but if you ask me about the Swahili coast, I can easily tell you about the sea and what it meant to me, as a city girl who never learned to swim and yet spent a decade by the ocean. You can also ask me about seaweed farming, fish roasting, and octopus hunting, I’ll tell you what I remember.

Ask me about growing up Jewish against the shadow of the Holocaust—learning Hebrew in my high school classrooms taught by survivors with tattoos on their inner arms, memorizing a strange alphabet that I first encountered in holy books while preparing to bow on the bimah before god and my weary relatives! How I bled for the very first time on the exact day of my bat mitzvah and felt mortified to think, oh my god, maybe my people are right, I am a woman now! Ask me about how it feels now to be part of a pariah tribe—to be hated and slated as bad for having feelings about a land that appears hundreds of times in our prayer books.

Ask me about caregiving—or is it caretaking—and why can’t we ever figure out the difference between the two? You can ask me related questions about my daddy, infinite jazz piano-playing father of three, lover of homonyms and hot dogs, milk shakes and walks in the woods, leaf collector extraordinaire! How we’re still talking to him about the mysteries of Yahweh, how his mother was a Christian Scientist who believed in the power of positive thinking, how she loved her three boys and her husband, my handsome grandfather, Manny!

But you didn’t ask me about all that, you are asking me about caregiving—how I learned to anticipate my daddy’s requests for at least ten different beverages—he so loved to stay hydrated—how I learned to make him an egg salad sandwich exactly as he pleased, cut into four pieces, two on the plate, two on the sidelines, waiting like players on the bench. How I decided to move back home to hang out with him full-time, despite my reservations, and all the chatter about women bearing all the burden for our aging parents, so be it. Ask me how this was the greatest honor of my life—to let my daddy teach me the greatest lesson of all time, to die with grace, to die in peace, in a bed of pink sheets, surrounded by his daughters, my sisters!

Everyone says you need a “niche” on social media—pick a lane to stay sane—they say, find a message and repeat it. But I don’t have the energy anymore to separate these parts of the pie of “I,” or for that matter believe that any one of us is just one story, we know we contain multitudes, come on, already!

So when I start talking to the camera, you’ll hear me mention my daddy, and my love for vintage, and my years in Zanzibar, and my Jewish upbringing in Skokie, and why I love the woods, and how baking challah is not as easy as it looks, and which books I love, and you’ll hear me talk about consciousness and god because those channels, too, have always been wide open, ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been talking to trees, listening for long sermons from the wind.
​

Ask me about vintage, I’ll tell you about grief. Ask me about Zanzibar, I’ll talk about love. Ask me about faith, I’ll talk about my father. Every story is about another story. So pick up a stick and tell a story based on its color: red, a place; yellow; a person; green, a thing; blue, a memory; black, a spiritual encounter. Shake the box of sticks, repeat.
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On finding the stories that actually want to be written

7/28/2026

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FOR YEARS, I’ve been writing essays about my life in Zanzibar, an Indian Ocean archipelago just off the coast of mainland Tanzania.

​I spent nearly a decade there—when my friends at home were having babies and growing families and climbing work ladders and attempting to have it all—I was having palm tree days and fresh cut pineapples on the beach.


I wrote dispatches about my life on these islands for an online magazine called “Contrary: The Journal of Popular Discontent,” and for a while, I felt like I had somewhat of a handle on the story as it was unfolding—the story of a woman who left Chicago in her early thirties for a slower life on the Swahili coast.

I still have a selfie I took when I first returned to the islands after a fling with a man I’d met there while traveling—it’s me in a headscarf, sitting in front of rows of old, green post office boxes with stencil lettering—on a weekend trip to Bagamoyo with the guy who became my boyfriend.

I'm wearing a pair of vintage keys around around my neck. How poetic! 

This was a time of taarab and tamarind, walks in the ruins of ancient kings, self-guided tours through shipwrecks, motorcycle rides through sleepy Swahili towns, mosquito-bitten, gecko-winked nights with a new love.

I thought I’d gather all the essays I eventually wrote for Contrary and put them into a book—a collection of essays focused on self-exile, faith, belonging, and home. I even had a working title for the book—and hired several editors over the years to work with me on it.

Understandably, they had a lot of questions for me—what was my “why now” and what was the story inside these essays that I really wanted to tell?

Over the years, I got defensive about these questions—postured with an academic stance—I wanted religion to be the thread that ran through this collection. I wanted my first book to address heady questions of faith and belief with the poetic muscle of Didion, the anthropological heart of Behar.

I kept chiseling away at these essays over the years. Added details, took others away, reordered and refined the words as they first appeared, overlaid new paragraphs with perspectives layered by the current me telling me about my past.

This all got very confusing.

I realized how hard I was fighting the story I really wanted to tell—about the men I loved there and the way these relationships shaped my connection to this place.

I didn’t want to tell a boring love story—or even worse—perpetuate the tropes of the foreigner who falls in love with a local and cue the problems that ensue. I wanted to tell a different story about Zanzibar, one about all the ways in which this place—so steeped in Islam—brought me closer to my own faith as a Jewish woman.

Yes, that’s a huge part of the story and it’s woven into every essay that’s survived all these edits and iterations. But I haven’t yet allowed myself to trek the full narrative arc of two men—Ali and Mustapha—who each played a major role in my Zanzibar story.

And I realize now that my book will never feel complete unless I at least allow myself to lay down my heart along this path, and say what needs to be said, with a wildly subjective curiosity.

Do I want my book of essays to focus just on the failure of these absurd entanglements with men who could never really love me because they would never know me? No, I don’t. I want so much for my essay collection to speak to larger questions:

  1. Why do you leave home?
  2. What do you learn over there?
  3. How do you find your way back?

But these two men—their peculiarities in this particular place—have much to do with question two, and by the end of this year, I have given myself permission to write into the details I’d been working hard over the years to ignore.

To tell the truth about why I left home I need to confess it was for a man with a missing tooth and limp.

To tell the truth about what I learned over there, I need to confess it was my involvement with two different mad men that made me learn how to navigate this world without fear.

To tell the truth about how I found my way back, I need to confess that I couldn't leave until I was no longer running from my future, but toward it.

Writing about your own life is fucking hard.

The memories change as we change. We’re making it up as we go along. But some threads need gathering to weave a tale, and without the essential braids, there are inevitably holes in the story we’re trying to wrap around ourselves.
​

Here’s to editing and writing our way through the uncertainty until we finally find the stories waiting to be told.
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On seeking answers long after the explosion in Darajani

7/27/2026

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TRAVELING BACK in time to pick myself up from Zanzibar is not the kind of writing I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

But when I count the years I lived there and the hours and days since, thinking and writing about that place, it sometimes feels like I never left, and that’s when I’m convinced about the potency of spells we cast on ourselves—how I longed to live there when I was younger and now I live there forever.

Yes, I’m home now and the skies are gray and it looks like rain this morning. I’m prepping for an interview later this afternoon and I’m typing in my bra and underwear because it’s too hot in the upstairs bedroom, but a part of me is still trying to figure out what actually happened that night in 2014, when a bomb went off in the market and scared the shit out of everyone who feared the attack might be tied to rising Islamist movements on the islands.

I remember sitting at an outdoor cafe sipping on a spiced latte with some friends when the news rippled through town. No one knew what had actually happened, but photos of a bloodied body quickly circulated through social media—speculation and suspicions abounded, and of course, we all wanted to know if we were safe—if this beloved island was still safe—if foreigners were still welcome here—if the film festival would go on as scheduled, after all that chaos?

People say an explosive device was thrown from a car passing the mosque near the corner photo shop where I used to go to take my passport photos—a familiar little corner buzzing with life at all times of day and night. How could this happen and who were the culprits?

I remember wanting so desperately at the time to believe in an explanation that had nothing to do with Islam. But the young man who lost his life that night had traveled from Tanga to attend a religious conference. Several others were injured.

I’d been living in Zanzibar for long enough to sense the uptick in political tensions as debates raged over the future of the union between Zanzibar and mainland Tanzania. I remember the growing competition between CCM and CUF ahead of the 2015 elections, and disagreements among Muslim organizations all formed part of the island’s political landscape.

A few reports emerged about that night—but nothing definitive or comprehensive in terms of motives or conclusions—and I’m sitting here so far away from it all now, thinking about how these religious-political fault lines continue to crack throughout the world.

I’m older now and perhaps less desperate to reframe uncomfortable truths.

In the years since I lived in Zanzibar, incidents of violence tied to Islamist political ideology continue to rise in places like Somalia and Sudan, Mozambique and northern Nigeria, among others. I continue to read my friend’s ongoing reports about the encroachment of Islamic State insurgencies all along the Mozambican coastline.

I wonder why these realities are so often difficult to discuss with real honesty—why acknowledging that certain extremist movements rooted in political Islam contain a violent ideology can feel, in some conversations, like an accusation against an entire faith.

These harrowing reports remind me that the people on the frontlines of these horrors depend on others in relative safety to name and document the truth as it unfolds.

I’m also thinking about what that bomb going off in the market taught me about making assumptions before a story actually takes shape. No one actually knew what happened that night but newspapers had already headlined trigger words like extremism and terrorism.

Fear is not the same as evidence. 


Still, I lived through the UAMSHO years in Zanzibar, when Sheikh Farid and his followers made his vision for an Islamist uprising clear and many people wondered where the island was headed.

Farid and his followers were arrested in 2012—they were silenced, their beards were shaved—and the movement never took hold there in the way that violent extremist movements have taken hold in other parts of East Africa.


And the exact facts of the explosion remain unchecked.

When I think of the islands, I still think first of warmth and hospitality, of daily rituals of faith, of the call to prayer drifting through Stone Town and the divine kindness of people who welcomed me into their lives.

When a bomb goes off in a place you love—you seek answers indefinitely. 
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On learning to exhale in Swahili

7/25/2026

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INSIDE THE ANTIQUE SHOP, a robed man with a round belly sneezed. 

“Al-hamdulillah!” I said, looking up from a dusty shelf of brass coffee pots.  
“Are you Muslim?” he asked. 
“No,” I answered. “But I’ve been living here for a while. Isn’t this what we say when someone sneezes?” 

He paused. Took a long breath. 
 

“If you’re not Muslim, you can’t say this word. We take our words very seriously,” he said.  

I looked over at Isdi standing behind the glass counter, wrapped from head to toe in black, as the man stormed out of her family’s shop.

We both let out a big sigh.

“He’s crazy,” she muttered in Swahili when he was out of sight. “You’re allowed to bless a man when he sneezes!”

Isdi’s words consoled me, but the encounter still left me feeling sideways.

Now that I was living in Stone Town indefinitely, I wanted to signal that I knew the right lines for the public play I was made to perform each day.

I often looked to my new friend Isdi for clues.

Her Yemeni family’s corner antique shop overflowed with ancient objects—brass coffee pots with long wooden handles, ornately carved wooden treasure boxes, old metal mirrors with painted ceramic tiles—that had traveled from India to Africa to Oman and Europe and back again.

I loved stepping into the cool, quiet storefront and browsing up and down the long aisles that held so much history, chatting with Isdi as tourists popped in and out for a trinket or souvenir.

Isdi went out of her way to speak slowly to me in Swahili, often inviting me to sit with her and her older sister on tiny stools by the open doors, watching the world go by with them.

The soft-spoken sisters always welcomed me warmly into their world, but I sensed there were many layers and aspects of their lives that would never translate.

That morning, Isdi joined me out front after the angry man who policed my greetings stomped out of the shop. I needed to readjust my headscarf to cover my bare shoulders before heading back out onto the narrow streets buzzing with life and stench.

She kept telling me not to worry—that she knew the man, a devout Muslim who bristled at foreigners feigning knowledge of the island's customs—but I still felt ashamed.

I wondered how much longer I could stay in a place that always made me feel like I was breaking some rule—offending god (or devout men in religious robes). 

By the time I arrived in Zanzibar in the mid-2000s, tourism had already exploded on the islands—there were wazungu--foreigners like me—everywhere. 

But at the height of naiveté, I believed I was different—that if I spoke Swahili enough, covered my hair just right, and walked with the slow, casual confidence of an islander who had discarded clocks as a concept, Icould somehow feel like I belonged here a little longer and a little more than everyone else.

Quite an absurd assumption, I know, and it’s one that kept on caving in on itself the longer I stayed, the more I spoke, the deeper I trekked inside the culture.

Isdi knew how to talk to tourists—her business depended on it—and maybe that’s how she knew just the right words to comfort me enough to keep coming back to visit. I often took my guests to her curio shop, and we always left with bags full of silver charms and chiseled wooden boxes.

But I’ve never stopped wondering what Isdi really believed about me and the way women like me moved around the islands as in-betweeners—not quite tourists (we knew too much)—but not quite locals either.

We were not believers.


I didn’t come to Zanzibar as a seeker or a believer.

I grew up thinking I could make my own rules about god as I went along. But in Zanzibar, Islam sings from every shadow and slant.

Trying to live by the rules stultified me.

Back home, I was used to lingering on the outskirts of faith. But I couldn’t hide out with my doubts in Zanzibar. I found myself on stage, one of many conflicted characters in the island’s story of itself as righteous and pure. 

It didn’t help matters much that I’d clung to a man with long dreadlocks coiled like a crown on his head, rebelling against Islam.

I was the pale-skinned, freckled Jewish American woman walking by his side, conspiring with his rebellion.  
   

People like Isdi tolerated people like me—but not the devout man who'd admonished me before storming out. My presence threatened the purity he believed he was protecting.

How would I live so long in a place where belief—or at least the performance of belief—organized every social interaction, when I was an unbeliever?

The Swahili clock is set to divine time. Prayer here is the collective promise of a long, deep breath—a way to reset the social rhythms, five times a day.

I exhaled with my neighbors.
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    Amanda Leigh Lichtenstein is a writer, poet, editor and vintage collector based in Skokie, Illinois. 

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